Honey
So I’ve kept trying to post about this for several days now, and I just can’t come up with the thing to say. So I guess I’ll just post, because I think if I don’t post now I never will. And I felt like I should say something.
My dog Honey died on the 14th. I started crying immediately when my mom told me… and then I had to just talk about other things because I couldn’t stand it any more… and I managed to cry a little the next day, when I had to talk to her about arrangements, but I haven’t managed to cry any since then. I’ve wanted to, just… couldn’t.
My brain just can’t accept that she’s gone. I can even look at pictures and think yeah, I’m never going to see her again, but I don’t really _know_ it. Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t look at her after she died. I’ve lost dozens of pets, and normally it’s something I insist on… something I have to do… but I just couldn’t this time. Couldn’t bear it. Wanted to remember her the way she was, didn’t want to see her like that.
I just can’t imagine a world without her in it. It doesn’t seem like that could be the real world.
We got her, if I remember correctly, in March 1993. Sometime that spring. We adopted her from the Orlando Humane Society; she was about a year and a half old. (So I guess that made her… about 19?) I fell in love with her instantly. “I love this little dog”, I think were my exact words when we were making our decision at the shelter. One of my earliest memories of her is curling up in front of the TV with her to watch the very first episode of the X-Files when it came on. She was about the closest I got to a little sister growing up. She was ALWAYS happy to see me, and my mom said she would get really depressed when I was away at school.
I’ve always dreaded losing her. I think it started when I was a kid and I had a nightmare that this teacher I really didn’t like at school had said Honey had bit her or something, and she called animal control to have her taken away and put to sleep. When I was a kid I used to sleep with the radio on (oldies, always) and when I woke up from the dream “The Sound of Silence” was playing on the radio. For most of my life I couldn’t listen to that song without wanting to cry, and right now I’m not sure I ever want to hear it again.
I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights dreading this day, even though I tried to tell myself it was going to come either way and I should just enjoy my time with her. After I moved out of my parents’ house, I couldn’t take her with me, but every time I visited I made sure to visit her and talk to her and make sure she knew I loved her, especially the last few years when she wasn’t doing so good.
These pictures are from when she was younger and a lot healthier. She’s always hated cameras, so the only way to get a picture where she wasn’t cowering was to surprise her or hide the camera. These are the only two I happened to have access to right now; my mom’s supposed to get me some more, because we have lots…
I feel kind of empty.